Holy Christ, I am a homeowner. And thanks to the above referenced Swedish home goods store, I am an inexpensively yet well furnished one at that. Unfortunately, this has also led to me coming down with IKEA syndrome. I'm exhausted, cranky, and mystery bruises are cropping up all over my body. But at least I have hand-crafted (by me) chairs to sit my sore ass down in. In fact, I have seven chairs. And I fit them all in my Camry. Behold, my version of Tetris, IKEA style:

With a table on top. YEAH.

My friend Shannon is the spatial genius behind fitting everything in my car. And she gets extra points for bravery because she totally drove with me at high speeds in a car stuffed with flat packed furniture. In a tropical storm. In the dark.

I've also recently discovered my handy side. Witness the home improvement.

Before:

I installed that! I did not, however, anticipate the enormous hole left underneath that hideous old light fixture. And the fact that it was GLUED to the ceiling. So, yay, another project *SADFACE*

And here's a glimpse of my Swedish living room, for all you voyeurs out there.

Pretty exciting stuff, even if there's no knitting happening yet.

My FOs, let me show you them.

First up, because it was the biggest, boringest bitch ever, Action by Rowan. Executed in Rowan Denim yarn, this POS sweater took forever to complete. Miles and miles and miles of stockinette. Deep hurting. Saaaandstoooorm! I would have done a model shot, but I seem to have lost one of the adjusting...thingies...for my tripod and also I am not wearing makeup.

Next up, an article I am particularly proud of, is a Zimmerman Baby Surprise Jacket. I somehow got it in my head that this was going to be easy. It was not. I kept losing my place and cursing the word "pithy." But I made it through and I swear to god that if the recipient doesn't fall all over herself with sobbing gratitude, I will shove my head in her vagina and call her kid a son of a bitch to its face.

I should probably never have children.

Anyway, here it is. I used a yarn called Playtime, it's machine washable and dryable and actually pretty soft. I added an applied i-cord all around the edges, to kind of neaten things up.

Last knitted item is a plain garter stitch scarf. This was my drinking/movie/carry in the purse knit that I've had floating around for a while. I used leftover balls of Knitpicks Highland Wool from my toy-making phase. I kind of dig it, it's all blocky and contrasty. And hella warm.

My final bit of news for y'all is very exciting. On September 24th, I will be closing on my first home. That I will own. ME. It's just a one bedroom condo, but it will be all mine and I will love it and squeeze it and be destitute from my  mortgage payments for it. For a while, I was worried that I would only be able to afford a crack house (or, with luck, a whore house), but amazingly this totally decent place reduced their price and I pounced. This grown up feeling is weird, it feels like vomiting. Or maybe that's from all the booze I drank in celebration of the offer acceptance.

Get ready, this is the longest meme ever. It is also the best meme I have ever performed, if I do say so. I sacrificed so many hours at work for this.

Four jobs I’ve had:

* Real Estate Receptionist, also known as The Job from Hell.

* Loan Office Assistant. Could be known as The Job from Heck.

* Perkins Family Restaurant Table Busser. The Job from Drunk Puke Purgatory.

* State Park…Cleaner Upper. Bison and wild weed…s. Wild weeds. I don’t really remember this job, but I was fired from it. For some reason.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

*Conan the Barbarian. This movie taught me what is best in life.

* District B13. I’m sure there is a plot in there, maybe, but I watch it (repeatedly) for the hot guys screaming sexfully at each other in French. You can cut the hoyay with a limp croissant. Actually, if you are like me, your croissant might not be so limp. I don’t know how that sentence makes sense.

* Fear. I hate Marky Mark, but this movie is pure love in spite of him. Come on! He gives himself a homemade pen tattoo that says, “NICOLE 4 EVA.” That right there is deep fried doublewide on a stick! Or just that Ferris Wheel scene? Or the DOGGY DOOR?!! If you do not appreciate the cracktasy (a word made up just to describe Fear) of this piece of art, then we cannot be friends anymore.

* The 13th Warrior. Antonio Banderas with guyliner and super dirty-ass Vikings. I was made to love this movie. But I always have to cover my eyes when all the Vikings are sharing the, uh, washing bowl? And they spit and take shits in it or whatever and pass it around? I really think they should have greenlit my version where sparkling clean Vikings help Antonio Banderas save Princess Kim from the evil mortgage company where she works. It was called, “The Thirteen Sculpted Viking Torsos.” My genius is so misunderstood.

Four TV shows I love to watch:

* Project Runway. This season is the weakest, in my opinion. Keith the gay Mormon hottie makes up for it, though.

* Intervention. I can hear my knitting group laughing about this already, but there is just something about people falling down and then being redeemed that gives me a fuzzy. Or even better, falling down and getting no redemption at all! Anyway, I get to laugh at people less fortunate than me, and then feel okay about it because they're sober now.

* Law & Order (All 31 flavors, but especially Criminal Intent). On those rare occasions I take a legitimate sick day, I like to wrap myself up in the warm, loving glow of my television and lose myself in L&O marathons.

* Dexter. I am sad that I no longer have Showtime, because this is the best show. I’ve read all the books, and this is one instance where television really improves on the source material.

Four places I’ve been on vacation:

* Thailand. Loved it, I will be retiring here. Drop dead gorgeous transvestites and dancing baby elephants in pink dresses? It’s like adult Disney World. At least, it’s my happiest place on earth.

* France. ‘Nuff said.

* Hong Kong. Excellent for the single fact that there is a long and widespread tradition of ice-cold air conditioning in this country. Frankly, France could take a cue here.

* My house, wearing raggedy pajamas and eating Little Debbie snacks. These vacations may also be known as "sick days."

Four favorite dishes:

* Korean barbeque, specifically kalbi.

* Bacon Cheeseburger with barbeque sauce and none of that salad bullshit on it. Must be served with fries. Chili is the only acceptable substitute for fries.

* A medium rare porterhouse smothered in bernaise. With garlic mashed potatoes.

* Maryland crabs, for those times when I’m not stuffing my face full of red meat.

Four Websites I visit daily:

* The Superficial. Excellent gossip site that is 100% snark, never filler.

* Television without Pity. This is where I go to read about those favorite shows of mine.

* Stuff White People Like. I am surprised that there is no entry on me, but I’m sure once Stuff All People Think are Awesome is created, I will be number 1.

* Hot Chicks with Douchebags. Maybe this is petty, but it helps me feel better about being single when “hot chicks” still end up with dudes who resemble something growing on public bathroom tile.

Four places I’d rather be:

* Pick a spot, any spot, as long as it is not. At. Work.

Aw, you guys. You really know how to cheer a girl up. So, in the interest of getting things a little more upbeat around here, I present to you: Knitting Content. It's just a garter stitch scarf, so I'm spicing it up with a dash of dog.

I like to think that perhaps my admittedly boring scarf is not what zonked out the dog, but there are things out there called delusions and I might have them. This concludes my painfully interesting knitting projects. You know, doing my part to maintain the pretense that this is a "knitting" blog.

Speaking of spiced up, my weekend went pretty decently. I've been doing this thing now where I leave the house? So that's been fun. Especially when there are vermin involved.

This mouse was literally inches away from our feet. I think he (she? it?) was casing my purse. Which I frantically moved to higher ground and maybe burned when I got home.

So that's the downside of sitting outdoors in DC, your space gets invaded by pestilence-carrying rodents. Nothing garnishes beer like a little PLAGUE. After a while (and a quantity of booze), we kind of got into it and starting chumming the sidewalk with bits of bacon and potato crumbs. Things got out of hand when the mice started smoking my cigarettes and asking me where I lived. I was like, yo mice, my eyes are up here, not on my chest!

In the next day or so I will be performing, for your entertainment, a complicated meme I was tagged for by Ms. Silly Doggies. You guys will not believe the facts that I will be laying down upon you.

PLEASE, FRIENDS, feel free to skip this one. Verbal diarrhea + post-breakup wangst = dramatic drop in readership.

Single status is going pretty well (as well as it can go, I guess). I'm seeing my knitting group more, trying to get out of the house more than I ever did, and I'm resuming my dusty-ass goal of completing some sort of higher education. (Just General Studies, for anyone who's curious.) I'm still getting used to being by myself, it's hard yo. I'm ever so slightly agoraphobic and I also hate people am shy, so it is not easy to make new friends. I am trying really hard to keep busy, but "busy" usually means, "napping."

The worst is the occasional feeling that I'm just inadequate. It creeps up on me, depressing thoughts of how I don't make enough money, I'm overweight, and I am a big old nerdinger. Please don't think I walk around like Eeyore, crying my fat eyes out over my empty pocketbook, while organizing my Dune Saga (by timeline, not by publishing date). It's the worst feeling, for sure, but it's only like, 10% of my overall mood and logic tells me that it will pass.

Honestly, I feel like I am doing the right thing, it's healthy and normal. And most of the time I just feel a great relief to be out of that relationship. Like, the hard part's over. The other hard parts aren't really that hard.